Ladies and Gentlemen,
allow me to introduce
something so UNIQUE
so MARVELLOUS
so INCREDIBLE …
you won’t find it in your local supermarket—
you won’t find it in any restaurant—
you can only buy it online—
I’m talking about a credible,
scientifically tested product that is
SAFE … S-A-F-E and
it’s all the rage in PARIS, LONDON,
NEW YORK, TOKYO, ROME, MAYO
LANDING and all points between —
I’m talking about Lite Foods.

The amazing culinary breakthrough
created using dedicated cyclotrons
and high particle bombardment
maintained in a zero degree temperature
so we reduce all the calorific content
of any food to zero
AND STILL RETAIN ALL THE TASTE AND FLAVOUR.

Imagine french-fries that don’t add an inch — and still taste as good!
Malted shakes fresh and frosty as the one you used to get
at the old corner malt shoppe—ahh, the good old days … .
Don’t misunderstand me —
this is not a gimmick —
We Will Reduce Your Calorie Intake To Zero.

Think about your next vacation
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Perhaps you have considered a tummy tuck
or worse, a diet of nothing but good for you,
coupled with a new physical regime—
that is too much work with no snacks as reward.
If that works for you—don’t listen to a word I have to say.
Because, I’m inviting you to forget all that stuff,
eat anything you like as the pounds just melt away.
All your favourite foods, burgers, beer, chips and cheese,
pizza, chocolate, sugar pies and anything deep fried.
Who wants to eat anything they want
and bloat into a eighth wonder of the world?
YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU BLIMPS,
YOU THREE HUNDRED POUND COMPUTER GEEKS
you need this stuff
this stuff is going to change your life FOREVER!
You’re going to get one!
You’re going to meet someone nice!
YOU’RE GOING TO GET LAID!!
Oh yeah—we’re talking results.
And it’s easy—just pop in your mouth, chew and swallow—
modern science takes care of the rest.
We Guarantee It!
If our food isn’t found to be
ZERO CALORIE VALUE
according to credible, independent laboratory (willing to go out on a limb and expose itself to massive lawsuit for fraud, slander, libel, copyright infringement and product suppression)
then we’ll happily refund your money
and you can go back to greasy, disgusting, sickly, indigestible
food
and you can have it
but me—I’m dining out LITE tonight—
don’t you think it’s time you do too?

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