C    I hate to interrupt Sire but it appears one of the priceless Merz works has disappeared from the East Wing.

K    yeah We know — We sold it

C    You what? — I mean I apologize Sire but you mean to say … You sold it … a priceless heirloom of our nation, a piece of irreplaceable history, and you sold it. Very Good Sire — Very Very Good. May I inquire if the piece was sold to a … foreign person.

K    We just wanna make ten thousand bux a day. Four times as much as We do now — four times equals profits equals big bux equals easy street. He was Japanese — he gave me a cool 10,000 yen for it.

C     (taps on calculator) do you realize You sold the Merz for less than 2,500 pounds?

K     WHAT? The frames are worth more than that — We can’t believe it.

C    Can we look forward to more sales soon Sire?

K    Yeah… We was thinking of selling this (pulls reliquary out from under his jacket)

C     Oh very good Sire — the priceless icon of the Virgin Mary’s toenail — I’ll … I’ll tell you what Sire — I’ll give you $500 for it.

K      500 BUCKS! You got 500 Bucks!! How’d YOU get 500 Bucks!?

C     It is a small saving I have set aside for an investment opportunity … I think this qualifies

K    Let We see the money

C     (pulls out five $100 bills and lays them out in front of the King)

K    Gimme (takes the money and hands over the icon) pleasure doing business with We. Hey — Counselor — go get me a glass of water (the Counselor heads to the door) Guards! GUARDS!! Stop the counselor — he just stole the priceless icon of the Merry Virgin’s ho nail. Stop him! That’s an order!! Good — bring him back to Us. Make him give the icon back. Are you sorry you held out on your King naughty Counselor? that will be all Guards — you can go (waits for Guards to leave). But seriously — what do you think We can get for the icon?

C    (glares at him)

K    Ok, Ok — what about this?  (pulls a large portrait from behind the throne)

C     That, Sire, is a priceless portrait of Your ever so greatly removed ancestor — Sirius — the Serious (sighs) what did You think You would sell it for?

K     Is he dead?

C    Of course, he’s dead!

K    Are they certain?

C    I assure You Sire Your great great great great great Grandfather is DEAD!

K    (in a huff) I meant the artist

C    what difference … I believe the artist is dead as well, Sire

K    Good, then he won’t miss it

C    Others might Sire!

K    All this stuff is boring — We need to do something to liven up this place — and We start by taking down all this dreary art and icon stuff and Hey! if We can make a buck then We got a little in the kitty if We want to redecorate

C    It’s not as if You need the money Sire. You have a palace, You eat from gold plate, You have numerous casks of gold and diamonds and other precious jewels too numerous to count. An art collection of rare breadth and discrimination — why would You want more money?

K    You can’t be too careful. Plan Ahead. Anticipate failure. We could use a little nest egg.

C    Well, you got mine.

K    What’s that?


K     First of all — no bills maintaining the priceless art collection, We mean You can’t eat it, wear it, dance with it— what use is it? It’s the only stuff We have that We never use and We still have to get it cleaned! Personally, We prefer baseball cards. Do you know how much a mint Horus Wagner is worth?  Betcha don’t  — WE DO! A LOT!! — We keep up with that sort of stuff, We mean art, schmart, who knows from shit on a wall — what We want to know — what is it worth?

C    Sire, if you are bent on selling the art collection may I suggest you start with the Dali collection ? The Edward Keene room?

K    Is he dead?


K    Usually people are worth more when they are dead — standard in baseball cards, I just figured it must be the same with art.