Hidden in plain sight, that’s me.
No one in the business ever suspected
I’m a result of a classified eugenics program
that not only gave me mental capacities
far beyond those of mortal chickens, but also
the heightened senses required to be one
of the deadliest assassins to ever belong to the CIA.
What better way to hide the greatest weapon
this country has ever known, but in the funny
pictures? None of that stuff was scripted.
I was supposed to fly a paper plane they
would manipulate to bonk into the rooster’s
head. No one anticipated I could fashion
a high speed assault jet out of paper capable
of shooting that moulted pile of big mouth and
fluff—when I strafed that loudmouth hambone,
I was just playing with him. Those detailed
diagrams I drew during our baseball games?
Secret plans transmitted to other operatives.
Like I said, out in the open, eyes wide shut.
You know that obnoxious chicken hawk, the one
everyone thought the mob rubbed out? Me.
I’d had it with his strutting Mr. Patriot when
the real patriot was me. Used one of my secret
karate chops — karate is the Eastern art of killing
with your bare hands — and his little neck snapped
like a twig. I made it look like a Mob hit, nothing
like the CIA program to teach you how to do that;
no point in elimination if all the evidence points
to you. The bit about him being ground into burger’s
true. I may have knocked him off, but it was
George P Dog who ate him in the canteen. Ha!
That’s the thing about birds. No neck muscles.
Now I’m a different bird; can you imagine
how strong my neck must be to support this head?
My neck muscles are like steel cables, baby, steel cables.
Yeah, lots of the chicks want to touch the big noggin
but you want to get to know me, you help me work
the kinks out of my neck, if you know what I mean.
Aww, don’t take it that way, c’mon don’t go … I got
lotsa stories about the rooster and the widder …
I’m working on a TV show with Gary Gong …
hey, I ain’t told you about any of my assassinations,
chicks dig those … aw c’mon, c’mon … .
(Egghead Jr. first made it to the screen in 1954. That doesn’t excuse the manners or lack thereof. GG)