a fable
There once was a village of well fed cannibals. The area they lived in had lots of food for everyone, from fruit to fish in the streams, good roots, seeds and nuts, and people to hunt. Originally, there had been a lot of people in the area.
As I said, this village of cannibals was well fed. A time came when there weren’t many people left to hunt. If people did move in, they lived in forts, had weapons and acted very fierce whenever the cannibals visited.
Some of the cannibals were hurt by that attitude.
“You try to be friends and see what happens!”
“It’s as if they don’t want to be eaten! And I have this new recipe I can’t wait to try out!”
Now that there were no people left to eat, the cannibals started to feel hungry. That’s when it began. One morning all the cannibals woke up and one of them was missing. Let’s call him Bob.
“Where’s Bob?” said one.
“I dunno,” said another. “He was here last night.”
“Maybe we should look for him,” said a third.
That’s when they all smelled the most delicious aroma of cooking. Someone was making a rich meaty stew. The cannibals followed their noses, which led directly to a hut where one of them lived.
“Hey neighbour,” one of them shouted out. “Smells like you got some good cooking going on there.”
A cannibal man stuck his head out of the door, “Oh hey, everyone. I was just coming to get you but I wanted to make sure the stew was done before I did. I’ve got lots and I’m willing to share!”
“Yeah, how about that,” said the first one. “You haven’t seen Bob anywhere recently have you?”
The cannibal came out in front of his house and shut the door behind him. “Bob? You mean our Bob? I haven’t seen him, why are you looking for him?”
“Well, no one can find him anywhere. So, where’d you find the guy who is now stew?”
“I was out late last night. I couldn’t sleep and I went walking through the woods, looking at the moon. I was heading to the cliffs so I could climb up and get a better view of the stars. Lo and behold, I arrive at the foot of the cliffs and there’s this guy with his head smashed in from falling. There wasn’t much of a face left to figure out who it was, and I figured, hey, why waste good meat? I brought him back home and was going to get you guys to share in the good fortune. Come on everyone, go get your bowls and utensils. Let’s eat!”
Some of the cannibals thought that seemed like a fishy tale, but the others were hungry. They all shouted, “Yay!” and ran home to get their bowls and knives and forks. Then they came back and helped eat the delicious stew. When the others heard them declaring this was the best stew they had in a long time, they went and got their bowls too and joined in the feast.
After that, people kept disappearing mysteriously. Even more unusually, there was a big stew right after those people disappeared. Soon, no one went out without a couple of friends to guard their backs. Everyone started carrying clubs and knives and weapons.
People started being hungry again.
That’s when another cannibal, let’s call him Frank, said to one of his friends, “This can’t last. We need to find another source of food, or we’re going to eat each other and no one will be left. You know what?  There’s a big flock of ducks down on the water. I’m so hungry I’ll eat anything. I’m going to get me some of them and see what they taste like.”
Frank headed off to the water with his bow and arrow. His pal headed home to tell everyone what a lunatic Frank was.
“Get this, he thinks he’s going to eat duck!” he told everyone.
“Well, that’s just wrong,” said another.
“Maybe he’s going crazy!” said a third.
“If he’s crazy, does that mean it’s our civic duty to eat him?” asked a fourth.
It was at that point Frank walked back into the village with some ducks hanging on his back. “If you are thinking of interfering directly with me, I strongly advise against it.” Frank laid his free hand on the hilt of his knife when he said that. “Besides, there’s more than enough for everyone here.”
When he said that he put the ducks down and started to pull off their feathers. Everyone watched for a moment and then one by one they began to help. They had the ducks ready to cook in no time. When they finished eating the ducks they all apologized to Frank.
“Sorry, Frank. Perhaps we were a little hasty.”
“Yeah, Frank no hard feelings?”
Frank felt it was better to get along with his neighbours rather than argue, so he agreed with them all was forgotten (which it wasn’t) and he’d have done the same thing in their sandals (Frank liked to believe he wouldn’t).
While all that happened, the ducks on the water not only noticed some of them were missing, they knew exactly what and where it happened, and who did it and how. A meeting of all the ducks was called.
Aramis Drake spoke first, “When we all moved here, we all agreed it was a good thing the neighbours were cannibals because they weren’t going to bother us. Times seems to have changed. The cannibals apparently have developed new cannibalistic tastes!”
Eudora Hen said, “That’s because they’ve eaten up all the people! They’re such pigs! They can’t control themselves. I swear, each year there are more and more of the things. You’d think there’d be more than enough for everyone, but no! Honestly, the best thing would be for these creatures to eat themselves into extinction!”
At this point, Aristophanes Drake spoke, “We must assemble a peace embassy and go talk to these cannibals. Once we explain to them we moved here because they were cannibals and unlikely to eat us, I’m sure they will see reason and revert to their old and vastly preferable ways!”
Several other ducks quacked out, “Reason!”  “Let’s reason with them!”  “Reason will win the day!”
Aristophanes Drake assembled a crowd of dignified and thoughtful ducks with him and left to reason with the cannibals. A couple of hours after they did not return, the remaining ducks smelt a fire starting in the cannibal village. Then a terrible aroma filled the air.
Aramis Duck was the first to speak. “Evidently the peace embassy did not go as planned. I suggest it’s time to think outside the box.”
“What’s a box?” asked the ducks.
“That’s the spirit!” said Aramis. “Keep thinking that way and nothing will hold us back. Those cannibals will be cooked in no time. Figuratively speaking of course.”
That was when little Winston Duckling spoke up in a preternaturally deep voice, “We need allies!”
Everyone agreed that was a good idea. But who?
“Well, it won’t be geese!” said one wag. Everyone laughed at that. All ducks knew that when the Great Duck made the world and everything in it, to make geese, He took a duck and made it bigger and stronger. Then he said “Wait a minute, that won’t be fair to my beloved ducks! I’m going to have to restore balance here.” That’s when the Great Duck sucked half of the brains out of the goose. Now, all geese are bigger and stronger than ducks, but ducks are twice as smart.
Again, Winston Duckling spoke, “To make allies, there must be a common enemy! We must persuade others that the cannibals are a threat to them as well.”
“How do we do that?” asked the other ducks.
“We must make ourselves scarce, but ever vigilant. Those cannibals aren’t going to stop learning to eat other creatures. Once we’re gone, we watch and see who they eat. Those will be our allies.”
The ducks agreed that for a duckling, Winston was pretty smart. The ducks all hid from the cannibals and watched to see what they did. Or, in other words, who the cannibals ate next.
Of course, it was the geese the cannibals hunted. When they saw that, the flock of ducks all moaned and turned accusingly to Winston. “They can’t be our allies. Not geese!”
“Don’t worry. We can use them. Let us bide our time and see who’s next.” Again the ducks agreed. Winston was awfully sharp, though some felt he was a little cold.
The ducks didn’t have to wait long. This time they heard a commotion in the cannibal village early the next morning. One of the cannibals was shouting, “Hey everyone, look what I caught munching on my hut. It’s all covered in pointy things, so don’t touch those, but I bet it’s good eating.”
The cannibals developed a taste for porcupine. The ducks all moaned, “What are we going to do with porcupines?”
“We can use them,” Winston replied. “Let us continue to watch and bide our time.”
Next it was the skunks turn. But not as food. The cannibals decided they were pests after one sprayed a little cannibal girl. “Those black and white devils are evil,” said the cannibal witch doctor. “We have to wipe them out for ourselves and the good of the world!” (Witch Doctor Rule #1: Always think big.)
“Skunks?” cried the duck flock. “What are we going to do with skunks?”
“We will defeat our enemy, of course,” said Winston. “Let us make allies.”
Then Winston spoke to Aramis, “No one is going to trust me because I’m just a little kid. But, now that Aristophanes is gone to the Great Duck, everyone knows you’re the smartest duck in the flock.” (Boy, this Winston is a born politician!) “You should go to the geese first and get them on board with our plan.”
“What is our plan?” asked Aramis.
“I’m working on it. But we need the geese. And the skunks. And the porcupines for it to work.”
Aramis got the feeling there was something Winston wasn’t telling him, but he let it slide. “All in good time,” he thought. “How exactly do we plan to make them our allies?” he asked.
Winston said, “The skunks are going to be with us because the cannibals are going crazy killing them. The porcupines as well because the cannibals are crazy for eating them. But we need the geese for this to work.”
“Have you ever tried to reason with geese?” asked Aramis. “I have, and you can’t do it.”
“Tell the geese if they help us we’ll show them where the hidden wild rice field is. They’re all dumb as posts, but if they think by joining us they will win something from us, they will join.”
Aramis looked at Winston for a moment. “Kid, have you ever thought of running for parliament? You’re a natural. OK, I’ll talk to the geese. You get Eudora to go with you and talk to the skunks and porcupines.”
Aramis went to the geese. They all surrounded and started to honk. “Honk! Honk! Honk!” they all cried. Aramis shook his head and shouted, “Words, please! Use your words!”
Then one of the geese said, “Bad Men! Bad Men!”
Aramis took that as a good sign. “We have an idea to get rid of the bad men!” he said.
“Bad Ducks! Bad Ducks!” honked all the geese, who were now crowding around Aramis in a rather threatening fashion. “Yes! Men Bad! No! Ducks Good!” Aramis shouted.
“No ducks good,” the geese started honking.
“That’s not what I meant,’ said Aramis. “Listen! Try to listen!” he implored.
The geese quieted down and listened. “We have a plan to get rid of bad men but we need your help.” Aramis told them.
Then the geese made way for the biggest goose to come forward. “What’s in it for us?” he honked.
Aramis replied, “We thought getting rid of the cannibals who are eating everyone would be good enough.”
“No,” replied the big goose, ”Ducks need us because we bigger and stronger. What in it for us?”
Aramis thought that Winston sure knew his geese. “Help us, and we will help you. There is a field of wild rice only we know about. Help us defeat the cannibals and we will show it to you.”
“Wild Rice,“ the geese started honking all at once. “Wild Rice!”
The biggest goose spoke, “We help. Only once. Then you show wild rice.”
Aramis nodded his head in agreement, “Done. Wait for further orders. We’ll move soon. Be prepared.” He hoped that sounded like he knew what they were doing.
 Aramis left, as all the geese began to dance their fearsome goose war dance, wobbling around in a circle, honking like mad.
“Damn,” thought Aramis, “They may not scare the cannibals, but they sure scare me.” 
Once he returned to the flock, Eudora and Winston told him their meetings with the skunks and porcupines had gone well. Both groups wanted to be rid of the cannibals and would do their part to help. The rest of the ducks crowded around and one asked, “So, what are we going to do?”
They all looked at Winston.
Winston looked back at them. “What is the one advantage we have over the cannibals?”
The ducks all tried to answer at once. “We’re smarter than them!”  “We have webbed feet.”  “We can float better than them!’  “We can fly!”
Winston held up his little duckling wing, “Stop! I heard that. What was that again?”
One of the ducks said, “We can fly?”
Winston, “Exactly. We can fly. What does that give us?” The ducks opened their eyes wide, and shrugged their wings. “Air superiority is what that gives us. We own the skies and that is the kind of military advantage that wins wars. Now listen.” Winston outlined his plan to the ducks. When he was finished the ducks all raised their duck eyebrows and said, “That’s so crazy it just might work.”
Aramis returned to the geese. “We need you to fly, two together at a time, holding a stick between your beaks. Lots of you. You’re our bombardiers!” The geese all stared at Aramis as if he hadn’t said a word. “OK, let’s try this.” Aramis waddled off into the woods and returned with a stick. He pointed to the big goose and another goose almost as big. “You two, come here. Now.” The geese waddled over. “OK, face me. Now bend down. Open your beaks.”  Aramis held the stick between them so each grabbed an end. “Now, fly, and don’t drop the stick.” The two geese struggled to run together to take off. They both collapsed in a ball of feathers. Aramis sighed. “Try it again,” he said.
In time, the geese learned to fly holding a stick between them. “Excellent!” shouted Aramis. “Now follow me to war!” The geese lined up behind Aramis two abreast and marched to where the ducks were waiting.
Soon, the skunks and porcupines arrived. Everyone gathered together to hear Winston’s war plan. But before Winston could begin, some of the porcupines started shouting, “He’s just a kid!” That was when the eldest skunk stood on his forelegs, did a dominance display, and said, “Sometimes, wisdom comes from the beaks of young quackers! Let’s hear what he has to say.”
Winston outlined his plan. The ducks would fly reconnaissance and bomber command. They would establish flight lanes and when to launch. Geese were the bombers. Porcupines and skunks were the bombs.
That was when the oldest Porcupine spoke up, “Hold it right there. Did I hear we’re the bombs?”
Winston said, “Correct.”
Oldest Porcupine thought for a moment, and said, “My recollection is bombs are a one use item. Not too sure I’m in favour of that.”
Winston replied, “I should have mentioned that the bombing runs will be low paths beneath tree level. We’ve already scouted the village and we’ll come in low and slow. The idea is you’re not high up and the cannibals will break your fall. That’s how we’re going to maximize enemy casualties. Remember, all we want to do is get rid of our enemy and we do that by creating fear! Fear of ducks and geese, porcupines and skunks. They will fear so much they will never want to see another one of us again!”
Everyone cheered. Aramis turned to Eudora and said, “I’m telling you, he’s a natural politician. We should get him to the Concave of Ducks.”
“He frightens me,” replied Eudora, who stared at Aramis meaningfully.
When the cheering stopped, Oldest Porcupine cleared his throat, “Ahem. So, we’re not high in the air, and we walk away from being bombs. I get that. But how do we porcupines and skunks fly? I’m not clear on that part.”
Winston puffed up with pride. This was the best part of his plan. “That answer is simple. The geese will fly carrying a stick between them. You will hold onto said stick with the considerable strength of your jaws until it is time to let go. Your duck escort will tell you when to let go. Once you’ve hit your target, goose and duck will attack with wing and beak from the air to provide cover for you to clear the battlefield. If our strategy works as planned, only a few of these attacks will be necessary before the cannibals flee forever.”
Then one of the youngest porcupines pushed his way forward, “You’re telling me I get to fly, AND bust some quills into a cannibal? This sounds like the greatest thing ever. I’m in!”
“Me too!” shouted another porcupine.
Then three young skunks came forward, “Flying Ninja Mutant Skunks! Awesome!” and they gave each other high fives all round. Pretty soon all the porcupines and skunks were totally pumped to fly and be bombs.
Then the geese started their war dance, “Two wings good, Two legs bad!” they chanted as they waddled in a big circle. The ducks waddled up and joined them. The skunks and porcupines joined in as well chanting “Four legs good, two legs bad!”
Winston saw his moment. He jumped up in front of everyone, “Friends, let’s not wait! Now is our moment. The cannibals have just begun their day. They’ll all be together, perfect targets for our attack!”
Aramis got the geese to line up in twos with their sticks. Winston shouted out, “Porcupines first, then the skunks. Soften them up, then drive them out with our chemical attack!”
The bombardier squadron of two geese and a porcupine or skunk waited in line for their turn. As they got closer, one of the ducks would join them. “Hi, my name is Andrew Marvell and I’ll be your wingman today. Once we’re in the air, you follow me. I’ll find our target and direct you to them. Porcupine, your new name is Payload. When you hear me quack, Payload Away, you let go. BTW, you’ll want to roll into a ball to make maximum impact on your target.”
The Porcupine stared at the Duck, “Don’t tell me how to do my job, Andy. I was born for this. The name is Porky Payload to you bub.”
Andrew smiled, “I like your attitude kid, Porky Payload it is. Everyone ready? We go on the signal from Aramis.”
Aramis was standing at the head of the line. He was raising and lowering one of his wings. When he did that another bomber crew would take off, duck flying lead, geese with the stick carrying either a porcupine or skunk holding on, heading into the air, all intent on their chance to get rid of the cannibals once and for all.
The cannibals didn’t stand a chance. One moment, one of them, let’s call him Doug, was bragging to everyone how he was going to figure out how to cook skunk so it tasted good, and the next moment a porcupine came out of nowhere right into Doug’s face! The cannibals started screaming along with Doug (who had a very good reason to scream, you try getting a porcupine in the face at 20 miles per hour.)
After that, everything happened very quickly. Suddenly, the cannibals were being pelted with porcupines falling from the sky, several of whom were screaming as well. The porcupines were sticking quills into people, then running away as geese came out of nowhere, smacking the cannibals with their wings and pecking at them, honking fearsomely. Ducks dive-bombed from above forcing the cannibals to run in all directions, often straight into one another.
Then the wave of skunk bombs hit. Skunks don’t spray unless they’re scared, but by the time they had flown there, they were terrified. Before, the porcupines had stuck some cannibals worse than others, but now everyone was attacked. Clouds of terrible skunk stink enveloped the village, as more and more skunks fell from the air to release their chemical attack.
The cannibals, almost blind from skunk spray, stuck all over with porcupine quills, ran screaming into the jungle as geese chased them pecking them with their beaks. “Get out of here!” they cried. “The jungle has gone crazy! Run for your lives!”
That was the last time anyone ever saw the cannibals.
Once the battle was over everyone met back at the shoreline. Cheers rang out and everyone high fived.
The Flying Ninja Mutant Skunks were pointing at each other going, “Who’s bad? we’re bad! Who’s bad? We’re bad!”
Porky Porcupine was dancing around saying to everyone, “We should have wars more often!” Porky kept trying to hug everyone but no one was having any of that.
Aramis and Winston went to speak to the biggest goose. “We’re ready to show you that rice field we promised to show you.”
“Not necessary,” replied the Goose. “Porcupines and skunk say duck’s rice field small. They know big one. They show us if we keep taking them flying.”
“I’m speechless,” said Winston.
“That’s a first,” replied Aramis. “Never mind. You’ve earned yourself a glorious future Winston, and there’s much to ponder as a result of this episode.”
The moral is if you can’t figure out the moral before the end, don’t read the fable.
Alt moral: if nature ever militarizes we’re fucked.