“You would think the Monkey King would be welcome wherever he travels, but that is not always true. All kinds of creatures are always picking fights with the Monkey King — which they never win — and this is one of the stories about how a fight was forgotten and old wounds forgiven.”

Pigsy: “Who you talkin’ to Sun Wukong?”

“No one, go back to sleep. Now where was I?”

Golden grizzlies are big bears, bigger than polar bears, which are puny in comparison. A small golden grizzly can pick up a full grown lion like a kitten, and then, eat him if he or she likes. Golden Grizzlies are omnivores which means you, you and you are lunch. If you see a Golden Grizzly you should run and hide. Somewhere they won’t find you. But if they see you, and they want to eat you, it’s probably too late.

Other than that, Golden Grizzlies make very good friends. They’re brave and smart, somewhat honourable, always loyal.

One time, the King of Siam asked the Monkey King — the brave, wise, honourable, extra loyal Monkey King — to escort his son to be married to his betrothed, the Princess of Perloo. He made this request, as the only path to the Kingdom of Perloo lay through the Territory of the Golden Grizzlies.

 “I beg you, great lofty Monkey King,” (those were his exact words,) “Where my armies will only fall to the might of the Golden Grizzlies, I believe you with your heavenly powers can guide my son to his Princess in safety.”

The Monkey King was fond of the King of Siam and his household and wanted to help but there was one thing. “You know, my fellow friend King, I’ve been banished from the Territory of the Golden Grizzlies. If I return, there’s a death sentence on my head. Now, those silly bears can’t defeat me, but they could be dangerous to whoever accompanies me. You want to rethink this?”

“I’m sure you will come up with something,” said the King. “Ah, here is the prince, ready for his travels.”

The Prince (who was very handsome) arrived with attendant after attendant carrying handbags, satchels, great rugs rolled up with all kinds of belongings within, and caskets of all sorts and sizes.

“Holy smokes!” said the Monkey King, “Who is going to carry all that luggage?”

The Prince Imer looked at the Monkey King. “I had heard the Monkey King was the strongest being on Earth, so I hope you don’t mind. I did get you a present,” said the Prince. He turned and rummaged around in a small casket and found a plain gold bracelet. “Here, this is for you,” he said with a smile, and handed it to the Monkey King.

There will be many morals in this story and this is one: Beware the smiles of Princes! There’s more to them than meets the eye.

The Monkey King thought it was a nice gesture. Obviously, the Prince had no idea the Monkey King had endless caskets of wealth at his disposal.

“Where’s all that wealth? You’re always saying you haven’t got a penny,” interjected Pigsy. “Is that the golden bracelet you wear all the time you’re talking about?”

“Hush, I’m working here.”

“Well, I like your story. What happens next?”

“Listen.”

 “Watch this!” the mighty Monkey King shouted. He gathered all the luggage into one great pile, turned to the giant windows in the palace of the King and tore down one of the curtains. “I’ll return this,” he said to the King of Siam who was hard to read at that moment. The King looked like he wanted to say something.

The Monkey King wrapped the luggage in the curtain and lifted it up. “You ready, Prince?”

“Hunh,” was all the Prince said. You could tell he thought the Monkey King was very special indeed.

Now, the Monkey King knew something the King of Siam had not told him. What a foolish King to have thought the great Monkey King did not know everything that was to be known within the Seven Realms. For instance, the Monkey King knew what the King of Siam was not telling him.

Long ago, to revenge himself upon the Golden Grizzlies, the King of Siam had been a thief in the night and had stolen the Ursa Major diamond from the Golden Grizzlies. The greatest treasure of the bears. How did the Monkey King know this? Simple. The bears told him. The bears tell anyone who will listen how much they hate the King of Siam. That is, they’ll tell anyone they haven’t eaten first.

Here’s another moral, or lesson, whatever: It’s considered bad etiquette amongst bears to complain about your problems to prey before eating them. People you’re about to eat are remarkably unsympathetic to your problems.

Where was I?

Ah yes. The great Monkey King escorted the Prince through the territory of the Golden Grizzlies.

Now, if the marvelous Monkey King had been allowed to fly with the Prince this tale would never have happened.  But even the Monkey King could not fly with the Prince and all his luggage. The prince was a mortal. Plus, it was unbecoming. Instead, they walked through the woods.

That might have gone unnoticed except the huge pack of goods the Monkey King was forced to carry for the Prince rose above the trees, and could be seen from miles away. Maybe it was the bright red velvet of the curtain that made it stand out. It wasn’t long before both the Monkey King and Prince were surrounded by Golden Grizzlies. Very angry Golden Grizzlies.

The largest bear roared, “Monkey King! You were told never to enter these lands again, or you would die! Any last words?”

“You want to remind me what I did to warrant my death?” said the Monkey King.

“You insulted the beliefs of all Golden Grizzlies. You said you could beat the Bear God any day in a fair fight!” roared the bear.

“Oh yeah, that. Well I could, you know,” replied the Monkey King.

Then without waiting, the bear bellowed his war cry and charged the Monkey King.

A normal person would have been petrified with fear, but the Monkey King laughed! That’s the kind of guy he is. He picked the golden toothpick from behind his ear and stretched it out to become a large staff.

“Batter up,” shouted the Monkey King and swung. The next instant the biggest Golden Grizzly lofted up into the air, and disappeared, followed a few moments later by a loud distant splash.

The Monkey King turned to the Prince, “You know, I think I just invented a game.”

Then he turned back to the other Golden Grizzlies. “I’m inclined to be nice, so I popped your pal into the lake about a mile away. Anyone else fancy a swim?” The Monkey King waved his battle staff.

The rest of the Golden Grizzlies said nothing. They turned and disappeared into the forest.

“That went well don’t you think?” said the Monkey King to the Prince.

The Prince was shaking with fear. He had never seen a Golden Grizzly before.

Here’s another moral: No matter how often people tell you something is big, it’s hard to understand how big it is without seeing it.

“Hey, hey, Prince, no reason to get excited! The bears are gone, and now they know I’m with you, they’re not going to bother us any more.”

Let me tell you when the Monkey King is wrong, he’s really wrong. He’s like the best there is at being wrong. They had not walked another mile before they were surrounded by Golden Grizzlies.

The Monkey King stared at them. “How did you find us so fast? Oh I know, it’s the big sack right?”

“It is the stink of you that we follow, Monkey About to Die.”

“You know buddy, I can tell you don’t play well with others. Not to mention the breath on you. Here, have a breath mint,” The Monkey King generously tossed the bear a mint, which the bear rudely ignored. “How about we go back to being friends like the old days?”

“Monkey About To Die, we may not be able to kill you, but we will kill that human with you,” said the bears as they began to puff themselves and make their fur bristle, which is what bears do before they attack. They yowl a lot too.

“No you won’t,” said the brilliant Monkey King, “I’ll just pop him onto my staff and carry him far above your heads. You better watch out. I’ll probably bop you on your noggins with it when I leap over all of you.”

“But what about my luggage?” said the Prince.

“Umm, did you hear about them killing you?” said the now perplexed Monkey King.

“You promised my father you would deliver me and my luggage to my Princess safely,” demanded the Prince.

“You know, I wish you hadn’t said that,” grimaced the Monkey King, who then turned to face the great crowd of Golden Grizzlies.

“That is the son of our sworn enemy, the King of Siam! Stand aside Monkey, our business with you is done!” they growled as one.

“You sure you don’t want to dump the luggage and run?” the Monkey King asked the Prince.

“I’ll have you know my entire trousseau is in there. Now, deal with this like you promised my father!” was all he said. The Monkey King was starting to think the Prince wasn’t so entirely handsome after all.

Here’s another moral for you, it’s an oldie: Handsome is only skin deep.

Back to the story.

The wise and usually quite peaceful Monkey King looked at the Prince in disbelief, who returned his look with a withering look of privilege. “OK,” the Monkey King said, and thought to himself, “I’m not sure royalty is good for people. Maybe I should make sure it’s only for monkeys from now on.” But he didn’t say that out loud.

He turned to face the Golden Grizzlies. “Time for icy breath. Hope you guys have thick coats.” With that, the Monkey King began to draw a mighty breath.

“Hold it! Hold it right there!” That’s when the Chief of all the Golden Grizzlies muscled his way to the front of the crowd of bears.

Let me tell you, if Golden Grizzlies are the biggest bears ever, this guy is the biggest of them all. He looks like a walking cliff!

“Forget the icy breath. It’ll just make them mad,” said the Chief, who ambled up to the don’t mess with him greatest warrior of all time Monkey King and tried to give him a big hug. 

Anyone else would have collapsed under the weight of the Chief but not the Monkey King! “Get off me, ” he shouted as he tossed the Chief back. “C’mon I don’t have time to wrestle right now.”

The Chief plumped down with such force the ground shook.

“Did the ground really shake?”

“No it didn’t. It’s called a literary technique. Now listen.”

“There’s always time to wrestle,” the Chief pouted, “You’re the best wrestler and besides none of these guys are as strong as you.”

“Well, that’s true,” said the Monkey King.

“So what’s it going to be? I’ll tell you what. You take the luggage to Perloo and we get the Prince. That’s fair, right?”

The Monkey King acted like he was thinking. He said, “Sorry, big guy, no can do.”

“Well, how are we going to work this out? We don’t come up with a solution, we’re going to have to fight. Everyone knows you’re going to win, a lot of us are going to get hurt, but even you aren’t going to be able to keep all of us from getting that skinny little Prince. So why not just hand him over and save us all a lot of pain and suffering.”

“You mean, aside from the pain and suffering the Prince is going to experience.”

“You know, as well as I do, no one gets everything they want in a successful negotiation.”

“Wow, that’s like a moral or something, mind if I use it later?” said the now very impressed Monkey King.

“Be my guest, “ replied the Chief Golden Grizzly.

That’s when the Prince whimpered. The kind and gentle Monkey King turned to look at the Prince. The Monkey King had to give the kid points. He may have had a large stain spreading across the front of his pants, but he was still standing. Shaking, but standing. “Relax Prince, we’re still negotiating. Once we’re done, we’ll get you a nice change of clothes.”

The Monkey King turned back to the Chief. “I’ve got an alternative that I think might work for everyone. Now, I’ve got a death sentence on me with you guys. And you want to kill the kid. Which sounds like another death sentence to me. Far as I remember, according to your law, those sentenced to death can buy their way out, if the payment is deemed great enough. Am I correct?”

“Correct!” growled the bears in unison.

“Ok, then give me a second. Everyone, hold that thought!” Then the Monkey King took one of his hairs, whispered to it and it turned into a very smart raccoon. “Go find it for me,” he said. The raccoon (who was really just another version of the very clever Monkey King) ran to the top of the sack the Monkey King was still carrying, and burrowed within it.

“This’ll take a minute,” he said. “Anyone know any good card tricks? No? Want to see some? Here watch this,” and he pulled a coin from the nearest bear’s ear. The bear growled and snapped at the Monkey King’s hand. “Wow, tough audience. Hup, here he is.” The raccoon Monkey King ran down the sack and dropped a little bag in front of the Monkey King’s feet. The Monkey King turned the raccoon back into a hair and popped him back on his head. “Fear of male pattern baldness is a real thing you know. Let’s see what we have here. My, my, my,” he said as he withdrew a gem the size of on ostrich’s egg, or some kind of ball you could fit in your hand, and held it above his head. The sun’s rays hit it and the glade was filled with all the colours of the rainbow.

Here’s a little piece of history: that’s when the Monkey King invented disco balls.

Back to the story. Everyone was silent.

The prince was first to speak, “That’s not yours! That’s my father’s! Give it back!”

“Look kid, your father told me to come up with something. That’s what I’m doing. Pipe down.” I tell you this kid had a death wish.

When the bears heard the Prince claim the Ursa Major diamond belonged to him, their backs bristled like an ocean of fur about to break into a tidal wave of claws and teeth. (That’s a good one.) But, the Monkey King’s resonant and commanding voice stopped them, “Hold it!” He turned to the Prince, “He ever told you how he got it?”

“He said he won it in fair battle.” All the bears groaned as one.

“Uh hunh. Look, let me catch you up on some stuff later on the way to Perloo, OK? All I’m going to say for now is, you can keep the diamond, but our deal is off and I’ll be on my way, or you let me handle this.” Without waiting for an answer, the Monkey King turned to the Chief and said, “Deal?”

The Chief burst into laughter. He rolled around on the ground holding his sides. “I’m telling you, you beat all, Monkey buddy. I kick you out of here, tell you the only way you get back is bring me our diamond, and here you are with the diamond. And not only do you want your life but you want his life as well? OK, you got me. Who cares about the Prince, he’s barely a mouthful. Let bygones be bygones. All that matters is you brought back our diamond. You live, I throw in the Prince as a gift. That good with all of you?” the Chief turned to the other bears. The Golden Grizzlies growled their assent. “OK, deal,” he said to the Monkey King.

“One thing,” said the Monkey King. He turned to the Golden Grizzlies, “I was expelled from your company for being clever.”

“You’re a traitor,” shouted some.

“Only, because I thought differently from you.”

“A heretic!” bellowed an old bear.

“I left because I didn’t want to be a source of difficulty.”

“You left because you were banished! All you did was cause confusion, laughing as we fumbled, sowing dissent, teaching our young to care only for themselves, you asked why are the elders in charge, showed no respect for our ways, then you insulted our god! You’re lucky we let you go, you’d make a nice lunch!” shouted some of the bears.

“Yet I brought you back your heart’s desire, your tribe’s greatest treasure. What does that make me?” said the Monkey King and the bears were silent.

Then the mighty, clever, handsome, stone cold Monkey King picked up the great pack of luggage, turned to the Prince and said, “Come along,” and led him through the crowd of bears, who parted so they could pass. Then the bears disappeared into the forest leaving the Monkey King and the Prince to find their way to Perloo.

“Wait, what’s the moral?”

“What do you mean, there were lots of morals in the story.”

“No, that’s not how it’s done. It’s gotta end with a moral.”

“Why?”

“It’s the way it’s done. It’s called a literary technique.”

“Really? Ah, well, in that case. OK, here goes: who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men and golden grizzlies? The Monkey King knows! Bwahahahahaha. How’s that?”

“That’s not a moral.”

“Well, you caught me off guard. Give me time to think of one.”

“Are you sure you’re clever?”

“Don’t you ever doubt it, Pigsy. Clever is, as clever does.”

The moral is: clever is, as clever does